Who is your teacher(s)?
My first teacher was Dave Smith at Against the Stream Nashville and now, is Andrew Chapman at the same center, renamed – Wild Heart Meditation Center Nashville. After a recent tragedy, I realized how important it is to have a practice/ and a mentor. When I was mired thick in grief, Wild Heart Meditation Center became the location of my first steps of healing. I was struggling to find an openhearted grief group and when unable to, I asked the center if I could start one in our community. Looking back now, I am amazed at how much Andrew trusted me to start and facilitate a grief group when I was still so raw. His trust in me and my practice and the connection to others who were grieving were the turning point in my healing. I realize that my practice was in a way returned to me by my teacher Andrew. The way he welcomed me back reminds me of how he speaks of returning to the breath. It is a gentle, trustful, welcoming back.
Which sangha do you normally attend?
Wild Heart Meditation Center
What is your primarily profession?
I am a Social Worker as well as stock trader and a Martial Arts and Pilates Instructor. Last month I debuted a new program Recovery Martial Arts. In addition, I facilitate groups at Wild Heart Meditation Center. My established Buddhist practice gave me a path out of the incapacitating grief after my 26 year old son chose suicide in 2017. My other traditional supports did not calm or catch me. The AA mantra of “trust god” , the platitudes from retreating,frightened friends, “he’s no longer suffering” infuriated me. I felt that black of separateness descending back around me again, but at a depth and velocity I could not comprehend. The starkness of that alone feeling in my grief, except for some calm at Wild Heart or when I was with my dharma friends. They allowed my suffering and didn’t flinch when I lamented.
It was the parable of the mustard seed that began to capture my attention. As my mind steadied a little, that powerful parable began to circulate in my mind. The Buddha taught about a distraught mother who could not let go of her dead son. She went from person to person to find the medicine to bring her son back to life. I understood that wandering as I spent hours and hours walking in grief a day. I was unable to sit, and I was unable to go anywhere where people were. It was suggested she see the Buddha for the special medicine for her dead baby. The buddha told her to bring him some mustard seeds from a house that had not experienced death for him to resuscitate her child. The woman wandered from house to house, hearing again and again, that more people had died in those homes that lived there now. I imagine she began to understand the impermanence of life, and from the eyes of those talking about those who had also lost, she began to reconnect to others and deeply know the truth. At the end of the parable she is able to bury her son and step into the Dharma.
This parable was directly responsible for me starting a grief group at Wild Heart. I remember speaking of the pain of losing my son and the woman next to me who had also lost a son, leaned in with the softest eyes. She knew exactly what I felt, and I began to heal. I am now working to bring a Survivors of Suicide Loss group and Response team to Nashville to widen out that connected healing opportunity for others who may be in the same cracked open, wandering condition I was in. That wish for healing and compassion to reach further and further out is a manifestation of the radical imagining contained in the heart practice so vibrant in my heart.
The Dharma informed me, my practice enlivened me and my sangha held me.
And I continue.